Are You There Mom?

Dear Mom........I am not sure if you can hear me, but I hope you can.   I am still reeling from the shock that you are no longer here and keep waiting for the phone to ring. The greeting you always used "Yo dude, what's happening" got a little old after a while but now I find myself wishing I could hear it again, even just once more.... That was your way, always casual, current and hip. You dressed for comfort but everything else about you was young. You always wore your heart on your sleeve, loud and bright. No emotion hidden and no tear spared. Every thought was always with your heart first and mind last. There was nothing formal about your simple approach to life. Everyone should be open, kind and LOVE LOTS! 

You often criticized me for being too strong and tough, for being a pillar of strength. Even when you were sick. I distinctly remember the last conversation we had on this topic, it plays over and over like a broken record in my mind. You desperately wanted me to crumble. Like a cookie. You didn't use those words but that was the point and my response was that you needed someone to be the "Strong One" right now so that we could stay focused and realistic.   And so I stayed strong.  Too strong.   I was like a statute on auto-pilot that completely malfunctioned on March 1st. 

I remember giving you permission on the Wed (36 hrs) before you passed, that you could give up when YOU WANTED and when YOU WERE READY. You were the one suffering and you could surrender when you wanted, not when we wanted. I was even strong then. I felt that I owed you that, like it was my duty as your daughter to tell you that, to think of yourself for once, and to let go. We suffered yes and will always suffer, but only in our hearts, not with a disease ravaging our bodies. I am not sure if you heeded what I said, or if your body just decided for you, but either way, that Friday March 2, I crumbled. Like a warm freshly baked cookie. Not sure if it was more like an Oatmeal Raisin or a Trail Mix, both your faves.... I crumbled and and haven't been able to come back together since. I kinda feel like Humpty Dumpty after falling off the wall.  And they still haven't figured out how to put him back together yet.

I am almost convinced that you tool my strength with you that day. I cry lots and feel completely overwhelmed with grief some days.  Were you trying to teach me a new way to live life? Or were you trying to make more room for you in my heart?  And on my sleeve :).